Spice up Your life
Photo by Joshua Mcknight from Pexels
I always knew I was different. Growing up in an extended family made me eager to prove and determine my identity. My mother was a single parent, and I shared a room with her and her three sisters. In addition, I attended an all boys’ infant and primary school.
In 1997 at age seven, I fell in love with music television. One day I became fascinated by songs from the Spice Girls. In secret, in privacy, I would transform my boy clothes into short skirts and crop tops. I would mimic their songs which led me to realize that I was different. The five ladies stood for women empowerment and their prowess was one I could never forget. Over the years, my attraction to the same sex became stronger. At school I met my best friend who revealed to me that we both like the same things. Literally.
I was bullied at school; bullied because I was a little bigger than normal and I never played sports. I was interested in reading and succeeding at school, since my mother and grandmother never finished. My grandmother was a pillar of my strength, a pillar of hope and a pillar of faith. My mom worked very hard in the tourism industry which led to my grandmother being my number one guiding light. She instilled proper principles in me and respect for everyone, particularly for women. My grandmother was the ultimate iron woman. She went through a lot as a child – including poverty and emotional abuse. She met my grandfather at age twenty and bore five children for him. However, he did not treat her the way the she deserved.
My grandfather had extra marital affairs on numerous occasions which lead to children being born. Mama, as I called her, would give me the stories of what happened from time to time. By her doing so, it led me to have more love and admiration towards her. It also instilled in me the values that made me not want someone who isn’t as half as ambitious as she was. Her life story inspired me to respect women and respect their ambition through all walks of life.
As the years went by I attended more all boys’ schools. My fellow classmates all talked about their girlfriends and their relationships which included everything from how they caught them to everything sexual. Nothing was off limits. With peer pressure I tried my best to fit in. I too lied about my relationships. Yes, I had experiences with girls however I could not help but be attracted to guys. My attraction to guys led to a few experiences, some of which I am proud of, some of which led to emotional scars.
In 2012, I reached an all-time low in my life. I contemplated being out of this world as a result of my battles with my sexuality. Growing up on this Caribbean island meant that society is not accepting of same sex unions. I felt like I had to be “straight” in order to fit in or to be accepted. When I remembered all my grandmother and mother sacrificed for me, I realized that exiting this world is not the answer. I tried to “pray the gay away”, but life does not work like that. Was I born this way or was it a choice?
I decided to cut ties with anyone who I knew was gay just so that I can be “straight”. This led to severing ties with the majority of the people I spoke to on a daily basis. This led to the
strengthening of my relationship with my best friend. His interesting lifestyle practices and his unwavering support made me accept myself for who I really was. I decided to live in my truth and to honest with myself. I also decided that I would give same sex relationships a shot, but to continue to keep my private life to myself and my best friend, since society is still judgemental.
A trip to NYC opened my eyes to a new perspective. Because the American society is accepting of same sex relationships, I felt free and liberated. In NYC I visited gay clubs, bars and establishments. There I saw everything from drag shows, courting and spooning. I felt so happy and in my element. It was around that time that I met John, a guy who would add much needed salt and pepper to my life.
I met John at a bar in Hell’s Kitchen, a gay-friendly neighbourhood in NYC. John has been an amazing friend, amazing human being and an amazing partner. Over the last few years he taught me how to accept myself, accept my experiences in life and accept that love is everything. Like myself, John was raised by a strong independent woman. He has nothing but respect for women’s issues and women’s rights. In 2018, John asked me to be his life partner, a proposal that I easily accepted. In November 2019, John and I made our union legal at a courthouse in New Jersey.
The future looks bright for the two of us. We hope to own a house soon and continue to work hard, have successful careers and live in our truth. Life is a funny but also a beautiful thing. Just remember that when you think that today’s meal might be your last, tomorrow might be more fruitful. All it takes is for one to look into themselves, accept what is, let go of what isn’t and let life be. That missing ingredient in your life can be sourced and added to something that will never leave you hungry.