Her Fate Decided

Photo by Thiago Borges from Pexels

She sat on the verandah reminiscing on her past. She wondered what life would have been like, if she had to rewrite her life’s story. She looks down to observe the wrinkles on her hands, then touches her face and felt the lines. Her soft gray hair slicked in a ponytail. The cool evening country breeze brought a nostalgic feeling and warmth within her. 

Toni-Ann believed that she had no control over what happened in her life. She stuck with what seemed to work. With what felt safe and unproblematic. It’s what her mother wanted. At least that was what she told herself for a long time. Toni-Ann was always afraid of doing what she really wanted to do – to be free. 

Adding to this heartache, she settled for a marriage, which made her unhappy, but she stayed for the children. She was too scared to start over. She felt that the people around her would not understand her plight. Toni-Ann’s mind flashed to her childhood, where she would see her mother struggling to put food on the table. Her mother got pregnant with her at 17 years old. 

She endured every pain, joy and sorrow with her mother. They somehow mirrored each other, but in a way that was catastrophically beautiful. As the matriarch, Toni-Ann’s mother did what she felt was right for her children. Rumbling noise, sobbing and what sounded like slapping awoke Toni-Ann that early morning. She jumped out of bed and went to the living room. She followed the sound that led to her mother’s room. Upon opening the door, Toni-Ann saw her mother at the mercy of her sister’s father, who was wielding a machete. She stood there speechless and emotionless. This memory forever etched in Toni-Ann’s mind. Tears still streamed. 

“Mummy what do you want to eat”, bellowed Toni-Ann’s daughter. 

Toni-Ann’s thought interrupted. 

“I am not hungry at the moment” said Toni-Ann. 

“You can’t continue like this! You must stop yuh foolishness and eat on time! snapped Toni-Ann’s daughter Annabell. 

Silence. 

“I will eat the stew peas in the fridge”. 

“Ok no problem”. 

Toni-Ann adored her children. They were the apple of her eyes, the best thing that ever happened to her. 

“Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?” 

She looked to her right, and there he was, a tall, chocolate toned, black-haired, slim-fit man with the whitest teeth she had ever seen. 

Toni-Ann blushed. George was everything Toni-Ann wanted in a man. He was gentle, respectful, caring and loving at times. He helped Toni-Ann to mend her relationship with her mother. This for her was a major emotional challenge, because she loved her mother deeply, but they just could not seem to get along when it came to matters of the heart. Because of George, Toni-Ann was able to move out of the ghetto to an upscale community in upper St. Andrew. Toni-Ann was so overjoyed for this breakthrough. It was her dream to live amongst the who’s who of society. 

Toni-Ann was a manager for a major conglomerate and she wanted to live somewhere that matched her profile, but she didn’t know how to make this happen. George came along and changed that for her. He was a real- estate investor and owned a chemical manufacturing company. He suited her just right. At least this is what she thought. Toni-Ann was excited to finally move into her five bedroom and four bathroom home with George. She was now married to the man of her dreams. Everything she wanted and more, she got. 

It was three months after moving into their new home that Toni- Ann was recognising a new pattern with George. He seemed secretive, withdrawn at times and agitated with her most days. She just could not understand him. She spoke to her mother about it and was reassured that he may be under stress with his businesses. 

Toni-Ann figured that since they were newly-weds, she should try and spice things up a little. Maybe George was bored with her, she thought. She would get home early every evening and cooked all his favourite meals. Some days he managed to get home early and ate with her, other days, he would come home in the early mornings or just not at all. 

Toni-Ann was six months pregnant with her first child, when one night George came home extremely drunk with a next woman. She could not believe her eyes! What was he thinking? She had to endure the hardest pain and truth about the man she loved that night. Toni-Ann told herself that he was just going through a phase in his life. Gosh, how she loved this man deeply. She just wanted to be better for him. Their children seemed to calm him whenever he was around them. Toni-Ann loved that side of him. She beamed with joy every time he spent with them. Juggling motherhood brought so much happiness for Toni-Ann. She dedicated her life and time to raising her children.

Her marriage however, was the darkness in her life. She could not seem to please her husband anymore. They argued all the time. He spent time away from the home and would return whenever he pleased. Toni-Ann’s mother continued to encourage her to stay in the marriage. What did she have to lose? She was financially taken care of and the children were not in need of anything. Her heart ached every day and night. She wanted to protect her children in every way she could. 

What happened next to Toni-Ann shaped the rest of her life. How could someone who had a pure heart and wanted to live life within her truest potential, felt so trapped in a life she chose? Or did she really? Toni-Ann inhaled the deepest breath she has ever taken. She got up from the chair on the verandah and went inside the house. Toni-Ann smiled meekly at her daughter and proceeded to eat the stew peas. 

                                                                 …