If you’re anything like me
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably known for a long long time that your mental landscape is very different compared to the traditional mental landscape that surrounds you. Especially when you grow up in the Caribbean.
It’s hard to fit in when you process and communicate information on a different plane than those around you. And while being different is recommended, it is not celebrated. I personally lucked out in the kind of parents I got. They were willing to make sure nothing serious was off with my mental capacity and capabilities, but that’s where it stopped. After that it was a whole lot of church and Christ will fix this. And you are smart, you’ll sort it out or my personal favourite, “You need to build thicker skin Danielle, not everyone will be your friend” But how do you sort out being the butt of most jokes and having little to no friends?
Eventually I began to figure out how to dull certain personality traits or when not to react certain ways. I eventually began attracting and maintaining friends, and I truly thought I was on a path to finally getting the socializing thing down. Next thing you know, I’m telling all my friends and classmates goodbye in the 8th grade and I’m on a plane to the States. For those with social anxiety or any form of anxiety this is hell. Cause now you in a whole new game, on a whole new court, with different players and rules you ain’t never seen before. But chin up kiddo, you’ll get through this.
Did you know if not properly taken care of anxiety aids in the development of your depression. You overthink everything, you shut in and shut down. And again, it’s turn to the church Danielle, words don’t harm you, you need to be tougher than this. Also you have to be better than before. It’s overwhelming to say the least.
So years go by, you get through the change. But eventually it all starts to catch up with you. It gets harder to place the memories you have. Waking up becomes more of a drag. Sometimes you wonder if running your car off the road would make it all go away. But you’re fine, you have God and words don’t mean things. But luckily you’re not in the Caribbean anymore, and the small community you and your parents have built up around you has slightly different beliefs. It doesn’t hurt that you may have accidentally mentioned the car thing to you parents, so when you bring up therapy the third time, you don’t get told “You have to be careful with them things there enuh”
It’s not all sun and roses though. It’s a daily explanation as to why you need to be on so many medications. And when you asked about that first therapy experience all those years ago, you get told “Oh they recommended some stuff but I just put it my bible and prayed over it, you turned out okay though”
I’m lucky enough to have been able to experience therapy a few different times in college, on my own terms. I was able to build and create my own understanding of mental health outside of my parents thanks to the wonders of Tumblr, college life and friends. Not everyone is lucky enough to get the combo of parents and social structures and experiences I have. Thanks to these things I was able to self diagnose early on, and eventually learnt to track the moments I felt off. I used those trackings in helping calm my parents fears around mental health, therapy, and medication. I still have to calm my mom with the medication things. But honestly, I’m not sure I’d have ever gotten the chance to figure out my mental health if not for this combination. I see and acknowledge the privileges I have that have allowed me to get to this place of understanding and sharing.
Not everyone is as lucky as I am, so I try to use my voice as a way to share what anxiety and depression can look like. Especially in “gifted” children and teens. And in black women, both American and non-American.