Is This Because I’m Gay?

Content Warning: Suicide & Homophobic Violence

Stop! Wait!

Don't walk away like everyone else"

"Why was I made different?",

A question I grew up asking God,

Six years after being born,

Cuts and bruises all over my body,

No friends, and family kept distant,

Attempted suicide but couldn't go through with it, "No mommy please!",

No daddy please!",

The beating came without reasons,

Or so I thought,

Bottled up pain, rage, sadness and regrets, Regrets of being born,

Day in and day out,

I felt like an outcast,

My heart was torn,

At age 8, stab wounds and chop marks, Given my the man who was suppose to be a dad

From sleeping on the floor to,

Sleeping outside,

Cuddling the dogs close,

Just to keep warm from the cold tearing night, Going by many names,

He-she, gyal boy, battyman, fagot, fish and more, But then I realized that I'm more,

My worth wasn't defined by labels,

I was who I said I was,

Unfortunately that feeling was cut short, Tied to a chair with belts,

Awaiting my head to be chopped off,

Beaten with electric wires,

Stabbed in the hands,

Burnt and stoned,

Chopped and almost strangled,

The so called father I had inflicted,

Verbal, physical and emotional abuse,

Was caused by my mom,

But not as great as the ones my dad inflicted,

But my love for my mom changed,

On that fateful night,

When she attempted to forcefully insert a pipe up my anus, I was sent from parent to parent,

Then to a children's home,

And back to my mom's place,

Like hell on earth,

My life was depicting just that,

Forced to grow up,

Robbed of a childhood,

"You're 18 and still a virgin, so you can change from being gay!" Only after those words which my so called father said, Did I realise where all the abuse that I got growing up came from, Coming out a gay male at four(4) years old,

The world would be better if I died,

So I was told and led to believe,

Is this all because I'm gay?

Was that the reason behind my headships?

Even being told that I was possessed my some spirit, So I left and never looked back,

My mom was never accepting of me either,

Was I free from harm done by homophobic persons? The future is untold,

But I made my happiness #1,

I chose not to be heartless,

I wasn't born with all these scars,

And that's what made me like this,

I'm trying to hold my breath,

To grab hold of a better life,

But until gays are free,

My happiness will never be enough for me,

I have forgiven those who've done me harm,

But the memories have been engraved into my soul, Am I still not good enough?

Photo by ALLAN FRANCA CARMO from Pexels