Red looks like Ruby – The abuse we don’t see

History

The ones closest to me know that I did not have the best past. 2009 was a fresh start for me because it was a time to experience new things. I survived being let down by my first love, being cheated on, witnessing abuse and being overdosed. So when I joined Facebook and started talking to her...I knew this was a new beginning for me. I must admit I was scared to dive in. I was not the best when it came to treatment of my women. Unfortunately my demons would attack them too and it was never my intention to hurt the women in my life. I loved them with all I had so to lose them was always devastating to me. Karina was the first girl to feel the weight of my demons. She was the sweetest person I ever met. But I broke her...told her I hated her. Her love was pure but it couldn’t save me. I knew I didn’t deserve her but my desperation and insecurities pushed her away. I’m sorry. I can’t do this again to another woman. But I’m a new man now and I gave this girl my full story. All my secrets, my insecurities, my flaws. Most importantly, my redemption. Somehow, she fell in love with me. In fact, she rejected the guy that was crushing on her so she can confess her love to me. I’ve never had someone feel this way about me before and I honestly wasn’t sure if I felt as hard for her. But this girl knows my worst but was able to potentially see my best. How can I possibly say no to her. Thankfully I didn’t. Because in no time, she became the love of my life. Ten years later...after I forgave so many mistakes, taking the time to be honest with her about my feelings; something many men are afraid to do, the fights, the movie nights, the sex, the sleepovers and our wedding planning...she left. No communication about the issues. No indication her heart was in the wrong place. She just...left me.

Herstory

I remember the immense guilt I felt breaking one guy’s heart for another guy. But I knew I had to follow my heart. I never got much attention from boys growing up. I was sarcastic and sometimes just straight up mean to guys who approach me. A bit rebellious. My dad taught me that. So when he approached me on Facebook and stole my heart with that first story...I simmered down instantly. Whenever I ask this question to my friends, I get an indifferent response. Do you feel your best and worst at the same time when you’re in love? Does it feel so good it hurts? Do you feel the overwhelming sense of euphoria yet simultaneously plunged into a depressive state? Almost as if you’re scared to lose it but at the same time scared to be in it. Was it my female intuition?

Being in love is a sensation like no other. The feeling of being validated...I got the guy! He told me that the way our feelings developed for each other was so unique and effortless. He never wants to lose it. So he told me that he’s not comfortable with me speaking to other guys…especially on Facebook because that’s how we met. He loves me too much and he knows feelings can change. It won’t be my fault if it does but it’s much better to avoid it, he’d say. So I stopped talking to other guys.  He loved that I was modestly beautiful. He really respected that I didn’t dress like other girls to receive the attention they did. He would even thread the line of victim blaming. I was only a teen. There was one time I wore a tube dress down to my knees and we had a tiring argument about whether or not that dress was cute or sexy. He thought it was too sexy. Then he started complaining about my skinny jeans. I had to tell him that those jeans held sentimental value to me that’s why I wanted to wear them. Truth? I just wanted to wear my jeans. Some might think why not just tell him how you feel? Let him know his expectations are ridiculous. You’d be right. However, controlling people never start off as controlling. They appear as the love of your life. They are broken but beautiful and they make you feel admired and respected.

They lure you in by treating you like royalty. So when the abuse creeps in you feel like you’re the one doing something wrong and you must fix it. So the times he was there for me through my family struggles, but then used it against me to embarrass me in front of his cousins because I made a funny comment, I thought it was my fault. When I organized a romantic weekend for him but didn’t get the room he wanted and he made me feel like I failed to cater to his needs, I felt like it was my fault. When I bought those expensive movie tickets for him and my family to see the biggest movie of the decade, but there were no numbered seating, it was my fault. I should’ve communicated better with him (we got the best seats by the way). When he called me at my workplace screaming at the top of his lungs because the gates were blocked by a truck and he couldn’t park, I felt so incompetent because I was supposed to tell my boss to cater to my transport. He went out of his way to pick me up every evening so the least I could have done was make sure he had a decent place to park. I told my boss it was a customer complaint. Even then he came out cursing in front of my co-worker. She asked if he hits me.

 We never had normal disagreements They were always make or break fights. Exhausting, teary, screaming matches that led to him breaking up with me and then I had to pick up the pieces. So when I finally had enough, I decided to end things. But at that point I was so scared of him that I called the domestic violence hotline that morning so they will have record of me, I had a knife in my pocket, I recorded the break up and I had my brother keep an eye on us from a distance. On March 27th 2020 I ended my 10 year relationship. I knew the relationship was toxic but breaking up with him was the most painful experience of my life. However, I couldn’t be a sad bride. I broke a generational curse as every woman in my family experienced some level of abuse. His response was understanding at first but then he made me feel like I failed at this break up too because I didn’t try to heal him, instead I just left him. But how many times do I have to beg to he treated with respect? Why must I tiptoe around the man that’s supposed to love and protect me?

Red looks like ruby is symbolic of the red flags we pick up on early on or throughout the relationship. But we see it as gems like rubies because the person gaslights us into thinking they are like this because they care so much and we are the lucky ones. When an excuse for staying is, “at least they don’t hit me,” know that this is not love. Because I can still hear his screaming voice.